When I was first pregnant, I thought that as a child psychologist I would have it in the bag. I thought; women have been doing this for ages, it's nature, I do not have to prepare anything. Looking back I did not take into account all of my own conditioning that was covering my intuition and my need for information. So after giving birth I panicked when my son started to cry a lot after a few weeks - and when all of the contradictory advice came, I became so insecure. I started making lists on my phone of why my baby could be crying so I could go and check them when he was crying. I needed this list to check off what I could do because I could not think clearly when he was crying. I could not hear anyone else speak, his crying was all I could hear or think about and I felt this urge to fix it.
With my first son we did not know of Aware Parenting, so we had a more mainstream approach. We did everything during the day so he would not cry but left him alone to cry when it was time for bed. And it seemed to work. He cried every time I dropped him off at daycare, and they had to pull him off of me. It devastated me, but I thought this was normal.
By the age of two he had become very hyperactive and had a lot of tantrums. Six months later I gave birth to his brother. The combination of taking care of a newborn and a 2.5 year old with a lot of tantrums and all that excess energy had exhausted me. I remember my youngest waking up almost every hour his first night when I was alone at hospital while my partner was at home with my eldest. I was miserable. My youngest cried a lot from birth onwards and this was what made me reach out to other friends with kids for support and tips. A friend then recommended Aletha Solter's book Tears and Tantrums. I remember thinking, 'This makes so much sense, and struggling with it because at that time I had not cried in a long time. I started listening to my son's tears, however I don't think I had the capacity to really hold space for them. I did not read any other Aware Parenting books until a year later when we went into lockdown.
By this time I did not enjoy spending time with my kids, I dreaded it. How will I survive these hours? I wondered to myself. I felt a huge weight on my chest all of the time and often had headaches. I remember one time my eldest had done something 'wrong' and I put him in time out. As a child psychologist I was taught that you can modify your child's behaviour with punishments and rewards. That this is the way they learn, that they needed to be taught how to be 'good'. We taped a square on the floor in the corner so he knew where time out was and that he had to stay within these lines until the timer went off. It worked a couple of times, he was affected the first times and a bit shaken, but then we always needed to get a bit harsher to get the same effect. As you can imagine, this was an invitation for a game for a 3.5 year old. First it was a toe over the line, then a foot, and then he escaped and ran as quickly as he could. I got so immensely triggered, I ran after him, put him back in the corner kicking and screaming and yelled at him.
By then we had already discovered that when we got him to his breaking point, and crying followed afterwards, he would cooperate more. Sometimes we got so triggered that we yelled, other times we did this on purpose just to get him to those feelings.
But this time was different. I saw the fear in his eyes, the terror on his face, I saw him break down and forsake himself just to not lose our love. He asked me:'Mommy can I get a hug?' he clung to my leg and I could see the question on his mind: 'Do you still love me? Am I still loveable?' I got catapulted back to my own childhood and remembered how insecure I felt and how hard I worked to be seen and be loved, and I did not want that for my children. I decided; never again, this has to change. But I did not know how. It was then that I started reading Aletha's books back-to-back, started experimenting and seeing the change in my children.
I also started listening to The Aware Parenting Podcast which helped me with listening to my own needs. Listening to the podcast episode on motherhood and guilt was like an epiphany for me. I needed more space for me, I needed to allow myself to sit still and recharge, so I had capacity to hold space for them! I remember thinking: this all is so great, it makes perfect sense, but what is the catch? If this works, why don't more people know about this? I could not believe or trust it. But the evidence in my kids now is crystal clear, it works!
My partner tries to take into account everything I tell him about Aware Parenting but he is not 100% on board. This means that I listen to tears most of the time, he connects mostly over games and screens with the kids, this is what he
knows. So with my youngest I started listening to his crying soon after birth and with my eldest when he was 2.5. When I look at both my kids, I see the effects of that. My eldest is really sensitive and insecure, gets frustrated really easily and needs a lot of time to adjust, worries a lot and gravitates towards screens more. My youngest seems to have no fear and is a really happy kid and can play alone for a long time and has no difficulty with trial and error. I truly believe that this has something to do with my eldest being left alone to cry and my youngest always having cried in my arms. When I started making space for their tears, I started with
attachment play to get our connection back and to create safety.
My eldest got really angry at first when tears came. 'I don't want to cry, stupid tears, he said. The real turning point came when I started with attachment play and started prioritising my needs. We got big tantrums, big emotions, and also so much love and cooperation afterwards. My kids started saying, 'I love you Mommy,' started coming up to me and hugging me out of nowhere, asking me if they could help.
It has been quite the rollercoaster of being able to see their needs behind their behaviour and feeling in my body, checking in with myself before responding or offering a Loving Limit. I started enjoying spending time with them again and connecting with my inner child again.
I find it difficult discovering what I like, what nurtures me and what I need. I'm not completely where I want to be yet, but I'm loving the journey and I'm trying to trust the process!
I even noticed that I was reacting differently with my clients. That I was looking through a different lens and all of a sudden, things made so much more sense. Gradually I started seeing the unhealed trauma from their childhood and their conditioning coming up in what they were sharing with me. I could see the trans-generational trauma and how things were passed on to yet another generation. Where will it end? The mental health waiting lists just get longer and longer, and I felt like the only way to really change this is by supporting parents in Aware
Parenting their children so that the next generation is more resilient and compassionate.
I have seen such beautiful changes in my kids and clients, seen them connecting with themselves again and developing an inner compass.
This all made me so excited that I want to help more people and want to share Aware Parenting with the world. I truly believe it can change the world and I want to be part of it. So I decided I want to become an Aware Parenting instructor myself. I believe this vision is more helpful than my previous psychology-psychotherapy training/ background."
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